The Nice Girl Trope

Saying goodbye to playing nice.

The nice girl trope teaches women to prioritize others' comfort over their own. While kindness is valuable, consistent self-sacrifice often leads to resentment, burnout, and a loss of identity.

Always smiling. Always saying yes. Shrink yourself - taking up space is not an option. Wait your turn! Count how many rolls there are to make sure everyone gets one. Sweet like vanilla. Always tuned in to others' emotions.

Well, I for one, am sick of that shit.

For those of you who are like - woah wait, isn’t that what it’s like to be a decent human being? The answer is both yes AND no.

You see, from childhood, girls are taught to be kind and passive. Gentle and agreeable. Although these can be strengths, they also create a recipe for resentment. One double-edged sword coming right up! Sounds like a life full of quiet misery and Sylvia Plath to me. These traits may make you well-liked but is it really worth it if you read The Bell Jar every day?

I am the eldest daughter. I am an enneagram 2W3. An INFJ. I was practically destined to be the nice girl. Raised in the depths of the South, I was taught that a good first impression is quite literally EVERYTHING! You only get one shot so make it a good one. Be polished. Be kind. Turn that smile on and amp up that laughter! Be engaging and if family wants a hug, you’re hugging them… that’s right, even if everything in you is screaming NO!

Sick and twisted, right?

I grew up surrounded by stories on TV, and movies revolving around girls always giving in. Always swallowing her anger and trying to play “nice.” You could see it on her face. The pursed lips. The red cheeks and subtle sighs. The longing to say more - do more. I knew that girl. I am that girl.

By the time middle school rolled around, I had the routine down. Perky mornings were up first and by mid-morning words sloshed and swirled around tirelessly. No room for silence. I remember sitting in those uncomfortable blue chairs that had a desk attached to them - the ones where your hair would get stuck in the little prongs and pleading to just exist. No smiles. No small-talk. No forced laughter. And to still be enough. I wanted to say, "I'm angry" without being labeled difficult or moody. I wanted to scream when I was frustrated and say “I am not in the mood,” without bearing judgment and ugly looks.

But the world doesn’t make space for girls like that.
Or so I thought.

Truth is, this “nice girl” conditioning is not completely unshakeable like I once thought. It takes a lot of re-wiring and therapy. Hours of reflection and a lifetime of reminders. We can be kind without living a life that feels performative. You do not have to be small to be nice. It doesn’t have to always be saying yes when your body is screaming at you to say no. It doesn’t have to mean chipping away at yourself until there is nothing left.

It isn’t easy by any means but I am learning to take up space. To say no. To listen to myself and nurture my inner voice. It can be sweet to set boundaries and to put your foot down.

And guess what? the world hasn’t ended.